If I were president –

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If I were presidenta question offered up by some friends of mine.

JoFo would write my speeches. At least I’d be funny.

Phoney Baloney jobs, expense accounts, and pork barrel politics would enter a new age of blatant embezzlement, while black ops, death squads and murderous power grabbing would reach Stalinesque heights, performing election rigging acrobatics which would make Slobodan Milosovich green with envy and Hussein faint in awe at my outlandish antics. I’d make Mel Brooks’ Blazing Saddles politician look like LBJ.
I’d use the Senate auditorium to run my games, tape ’em, and run them on all channels during prime time. RPG would become a C-Span event. Public pain and humiliation, pay per view, for everything from parking tickets on up, as soon as I got that pesky “Cruel and Unusual Punishment” crap taken out of the constitution… among other modifications. Pro wrestlers would be given sensitive UN posts, and be encouraged to physically injure diplomats from hostile countries.

Spies, Spies, Spies. Ron would be Secretary of Paranoia.

My behavior would be so out of control- a Thompsonesque reign of depraved excess- that the people would look on with a horrified fascination, and keep me in power for the same perverse reasons that has put Marion Barry back in office in DC… and of course, certain threats would simply be removed in a very South African fashion, with Idi Amin’s cheerful deniabilty close at hand.

Plus, you guys would get to bang endless strings of hookers on piles of money in the Lincoln bedroom, all the secret service agents would be straight outta Charlies Angels, and Hugh Hefner would have a cabinet post..

When the check came, we’d hang Thud out to dry… Like a one eyed Ollie North, Everybody hates a lawyer. Especially if by the same miracle that put me in office got Thud past the Bar exam… Then Vice President Drew would grant me an official pardon when I resign JUST before I get my ass kicked out of office.

Don’t even get my started on the SOCIAL change I would try an enact- let’s just say it would call for a great deal of force from my Executive branch armed forces, then a horrifying debacle of Caligula like abuse of power, beginning with the fitting of the heads of both the House of Representatives AND the Senate atop the spikes on the 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, and the Cabinet impaled to die slowly on the flagpoles outside the UN. And we all get guns, pension, and diplomatic immunity.

As far as the White (Foolish) House… anybody ever read Barker’s short story “Down Satan”?