For a friend

In Blog by flagg0 Comments

For a friend who is visiting Japan:

As your attorney, I advise you to arm yourself heavily.

First and foremost, it would be ill-concived for you to reveal your true occupation to anyone: mild mannered though they may be, the average bespectacled salaryman has connertions with thugs and brutes of the vilest sort, teams of twisted syphilitics living in hangars by the airports, just waiting to pounce on a foriegner whose business at hand might be the corruption of a culture so ancient and decadent that they have raised flower arranging to a high art because they have exhausted every other vice beyond the imagining of a red blooded American.

The Burroughs principle maintains that language is a virus, therefore, what could be more dangerous than an “english teacher” to these jaded asians? Bill knew, the old junkie had seen their work, and knew what their plans for microelectronics were all about. And look what happened to HIM. Beware. Best, when looked in the eye by a customs official, to remember that he is even now wondering what you did to the delicate blossom who accompanies you- and that cultural infection ranks higher then mopery on the hierarchy of roundeye sin to these xenophobic swine. When he asks your business, reach into your carry-on and produce the heaviest firearm you were able to smuggle through the airport, don’t blink, and maintain eye contact.

“Skag baron” may be your best answer.

While he blinks and takes a moment to assess this affront to the way things are done, sieze the moment: Explain that you are here to ice a competitor, a swede by the name of Savage Henry. Spare no expense on embellishing his nordic features- painting a picture of aryan vileness so perfidious that he will be unable to react to the sheer effrontery of your actions. The japanese do not process rude and unexpected well- these are your only weapons in this strange and alien culture- use them with abandon. While your cases of Wild Turkey and bags of grapefruit finish their trip through customs, ask your new best friend where one might obtain some ammunition for the fine sidearm which lies gleaming on the desk between you. At this point, offer him a business card. Cultural conditioning will take over, and, helpless in the grip of good manners, he will offer you a card of his own, study yours (Skag Imports and Sweatshop Management), offer you a compliment, and realizing that he is dealing with a civilized man after all, direct you to the kind of hotel where the bellman can get you ANYTHING. Hole up and do not open your door until your return ticket tells you it is safe to leave. Above all, do not sightsee, and eat only food which can be shoved under the door. If you leave your room even once, you will be expected to change shoes- and we are all aware of the kind of trouble that can bring. Expect no interference from the local authorities- if you are going to remove another foriegn influence, they will watch and wait- occidentals killing each other is the Nipponese equivalent of a cockfight. Once done, they will swoop down and put the survivor in a cage, allowing japanese schoolgirls to poke him with sharp sticks on field trips. As appealing as this might be, resist.

At the very least, expect that they will assign someone to lay down paper plates where you step, and swing a blackjack to the back of your neck should you attempt to speak to the locals.

“Maintain a sense of calm.” – RZS