So lately I have been noting some of the cycles… metacycles, really… which have defined things in my life. I’m talking about recurring themes.
In many ways, the lessons of my life have come together in one particular set of challenges. I’ve gone on about what they are, and I’m sure I will again.
But one thought has been banging around in my head all day, so I thought if I can just say it once, maybe I can come to terms with it.
There have been a few defining relationships in my life, and they all have a few things in common. Most of those things are great. this one just… well… bites.
I was in one of these jams before – with the Swamp Witch, and was faced with something similar; the relationship I was in with my boy was lifechanging – but the same question came up.
With the Swamp Witch, I had no idea of the real power I posessed, and even when she told me, I did not believe it. She had to go, prioritize her life above service to me. I let her go and do that. Ten years later I was requested to come give her away, so she could get on with her life for real… it was a powerful statement on how much authority I still had, even after a decade.
My boy needed to move on, try his hand at the new strengths, goals and standards which I had worked so hard to teach. I had to let him. I did not want to.
An opportunity has emerged for someone in my service; it intereres with service to me and aspirations to the Estate. But this opportunity may well be once-in-a- lifetime.
It inteferes with my goals and her service to me for years to come.
She is a creature of honor- should I decide to say “No.” she’ll comply. I’ll have what I am supposed to want. What I do want.
The problem is with what I prioritize above what I want.
I want her to be her best. I want her to shine. I would never tell anyone I respected to turn down such an opportunity, and I respect her. I want to count on the idea that her service to me, her being subject to me, will stay strong, and investing time and effort into this will be an investment that will return to me in time.
So I put her first. So I do what I have done with the Swamp Witch and with my boy.
Does it make me less of a Sir? Am I being weak, not simply flexing the power that I have to get the gratification I want? Am I failing to be true to my vision by allowing this? Am I investing in anything, or just giving away my rights, allowing myself to be less of a priority? Am I not expected to prioritize my wants above those in my service, as a defining act?
Does not really matter. I made my decision, I stand by it, I’d do it again… and I suspect I will. It may not be right by the standards of other people, by objective standards of “Dominance”. Maybe it’s the wrong decision. But it’s the only one that I can make and still be the man I want to be, if not the idealized Dominant that we all talk about.
So why talk about it here?
I need to be through with the doublethink. I need to say”this is right.”, so when the doubts come creeping back, I have made my position clear. I know exactly what I am doing, I am aware of what the costs may be, and what I may end up paying. But hey: everybody pays.
So here it is; I’ll say it and get this over with:
This bites. This is the right thing to do… biut this bites.
Nothing to see here, please move along.