There have been a lot of things made clear to me. A great deal of it is about settling, about passive acceptance of “what is.”
Every so often I have met people who have changed my perspective about “what is”- and what has to be. Ken, for example- a drastic shift in my perspectives of “what is”, and what the world has to offer. He has influenced my life in a lot of positive ways. My friend Danny, my friend Ron. RZS. Sir C. I have been blessed with teachers, and opportunities to learn.
Since Mother saw fit to bless me in my last trip cross- country, a lot of things have become clear- including a fact I find unsettling, and a little sad. I went into the public leather scene looking for mentors and like minds- and for family, a sense of roots, of community. I have no roots of my own, so I thought I had found them there. I got involved in mailing lists and numerous leather groups.
Since I have returned, I have come to understand that the feeling of kinship I fgelt with most of these people with this “community” – was never really what I tried to make it, what I wanted it to be.What I still wish it was, or could be.
I have met some great people, don’t get me wrong. And from that handful, I have met a small handful of real gems. Family. Perfect Jeff, Ken, Sir C, David and his little girl Kate, Judy, a few others… people who I feel a kinship with. These are my tribe. The rest…
I feel no connection with them.
They may be great people, my friends, my aquantances… but they are not my peers, not my tribe. They use words and those words are stripped of meaning. Often, once they have mangled an idea beyond recognition, they make it their business to disseminate this newspeak far and wide, making some sort of mark on their world. Maybe they get trophies, or have a newsletter. I dunno.
The majority of them I feel distant from.
They are not my kin.
They do not speak my language.
They never have- and I am growing even further away from their world.
I am going to stick with TES, I made commitments. I want the organization to prosper, to grow… and maybe I can help it grow, even a little, towards ideas that mean something in my world. I’ll keep skimmimg through, hoping to find yet more lost members of the tribe. It’s still important to me.
But I cannot keep going through the motions. it tastes like ashes in my mouth.
” I used to want buyers for my words.
Now I wish someone would take me away from words.
I’m so tired of what I’ve been doing.
Then one image without form came,
and I quit.
Look for someone to tend the shop.
I’m out of the image making business.
Finally I know the freedom of madness.
A random image arrives. I scream,
“Get out!” it disintigrates.
Only the holder the flag fits into,
and wind. No flag.”
Rumi – No Flag (Abridged)