So the shockwaves have died away, and the silence after the devastation. The silence brought peace and clarity of vision, and I acted to preserve it as best I could- but you can’t. The security that came from that zen-like calm is gone, and now I have to do the work.
But things are not the same as they were.
The other day I stumbled. Hell- I failed. I was in the middle of a conversation, following my instincts, being myself, being in the monment- and when I encountered a sign of resistance I-
I backed down. For no reason.
The situation does not matter, nor do the rationalizations. They never do. I was furious- and as such, something finally gave. Something which had to give finally did. But that was inevitable, and as such does not really matter right now. What matters is this:
I stayed furious.
And the necxt morning I was raging– so angry I woke myself up. I was not angry at the person, or the situation- I was angry at myself. And that anger did not fade until I understood exactly what I had done, and looked at it squarely. It was not going to let me hide, or bury it, or accept it as inevitable, or blame anyone else.
No hiding place. Nothing to do, no way to calm myself but accept it, understand it- and be utterly unsatisfied with that degree of failure, but turn it into drive.
I look at this and wonder: Is this the genie out of the bottle? I see no way to put it back in, even if I wanted to.
It is the start of something- I only know this because there is no way to turn back.
More important: I don’t know where this leads, or if it’s a good thing. All I know is:
I will not ever turn back.