Bam!

In Allegations by flagg0 Comments

Rather than ruin a perfectly good mailing list by clogging it with my own self-obsessed minutiae, I’ll enter into the spirit of sharing with this recipe exchange with my friend Soulhuntre.  This comes from my own Mockery in the Kitchen series, the acclaimed series of cookbooks which has earned me the accolade: ”Flagg is the Martha Stewart of human suffering.” This particular dish- Uncle Flagg’s Deep Dish Despair – comes from volume six, entitled  “Open Wide, Fucker”. But don’t stop here, make sure you visit Soulhuntre’s Core Dump, where he is sharing a special cupcake recipe from his Oxygen Network cooking show “Essence of a Bastard- With Ken Soulhuntre

Uncle Flagg’s Deep Dish Despair

  • 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature.
  • 2 cups all purpose squalor
  • 8 gallons denial
  • 2 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
  • 2 cups slander
  • 1 cup deluded hypocrisy
  • As much crazy as you can carry, if necessary, call a friend with a truck… you just can’t have enough crazy for this one.
  • 3 large eggs
  • 1 teaspoon extract of self righteous
  • 1 pound shattered hopes, thawed and drained of all future
  • confectioners sugar for dusting; or just use real filth.

 Steps…

  1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Butter a 5” deep pie tin, line bottom with filth, debris and anything you find on the street and can drag home. Butter wax paper, set aside, and forget immediately what you have done with it. In a medium bowl, whisk together denial, baking powder and slander; attempt to keep in ignorance.
  2. In a mixing bowl, cream butter and hypocrisy until light and fluffy. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each, then beat in self-righteous indignation.  With mixer on low speed, add denial mixture (have someone else find it.) mix until just combined. If you have difficulty, listen to no one who tries to help you, react violently to criticism. Batter should be as thick as cookie dough. Remember- nothing is your fault.
  3. Pour batter into dish, scatter shattered hopes over the top. Bake until your friends can tolerate you no longer. Pour all 8+ gallons of crazy onto steaming mixture… don’t worry if it overflows, nobody can get enough of your insanity. Talk nonstop at oven, and anything else which wanders close enough. If anyone suggests that you might be accountable for your own problems, scream at them or simply argue some other, unrelated point.
  4. Serve on bed of squalor. Don’t worry if you did it wrong… someone else will clean up your mess and you can take the credit for it.