The October Country

In Rumors by flagg0 Comments

That’s the name of one of my favorite books- a collection of short stories by Ray Bradbury. It always resonated with me, that idea. I’ve voiced it a few ways, and it seems to ripple through my life. Autumn, as I’ve mentioned, really is my season.


Last year at this time, I was undergoing a defining process of epiphany and ruin. I was in The Works (coming soon). Utterly life changing, burnt down to the foundations- and given the chance to build something better. There have ben changes, profound ones. I am just as pleased to note that I am not alone, that Soulhuntre is entering his own space of empowerment and realization. in their own ways, so are my twin, my boy, and my animal. It’s a good season, and the only season I honestly celebrate- from now until the New Year, this is my time, and my Mother’s time.


 



I have achieved something this Autumn, I think I have honored my compact with my Mother and my twin. It’s not a finished work, and I hope it never will be- but it’s good. It’s what I have been chasing as far back as I can remember. An internal conflict which has always troubled- and sometimes paralyzed- has finally come home to me. It’s about me, my animal. our nature, about finding the core of why we braved nine months of insanity to make this work.

Our structure is reinforced by it, but there are no sweeping pronouncements
about the world, or generalized belief about anyone’s place as a gender or
race- just my animal’s place in MY world. (A servant had once been in the
habit of telling me “It’s your world, Sir.” It occurs to me that I never
really understood that until now.)

The details are both personal and irrelevant- but my animal had a quirky
kink that I was experimenting with. If I had left it at face value, it would
have been a role- play thing, and I dislike role play. It makes me feel like
I am distancing myself from my dynamic, rather than living it- just a
personal predjudice.

But what I did is, well, what I do. I tried to figure out why this odd kink
had such a profound effect on my animal. What I eventually intuited was
something which fit into everything else I know about her, and made it all a
cohesive whole.

<Fetishized object> = <fetishized  idea> = <living as second class citizen> = < universally/ culturally supported lack of options>


= <Core Submissive State>

For my animal, it was like “finally coming home, being where she ultimately
belonged.”

What this was for ME was the breaking of a last internal barrier. The
barrier that said “We are all equals here, really“.

No, we are not. Not even at the core of us. My animal is as different from
me as another species, and a lesser one. This is the ultimate (so far) realization of my contempt fetish, a fetish I have been struggling with for a while now.
(Last autumn got me to the point where I had come to terms with it- but I needed this event/ chemistry/ evolution arc to finally embrace it, make it part of me.)

My world is a clearer place. Decisions are made without struggle, without
conflict. My inner voice is stronger, clearer, and far more demanding,
unburdened by illusions of ‘equality”.

Co-existing peacefully in my core self are two twin statements:

She is smart as hell, tough, capable, a person I have genuine regard for, or
else I would have nothing to do with her. A wise person (the same servant)
once pointed out to me that sex is something shared between peers, and it’s
true- anything less is sullying oneself.


Simultaneously:

It is an animal. If it pleases, it will stay my animal. it has a place, and
it needs to be mindful of that place. The best it can hope for is that I
might have use for it.


This is a good place to be. it’s not a philosophy, it’s a state between the
two of us, the best realization of our vastly imbalanced power dynamic. My
worldview has changed- it has given me what I was missing, even dealing with
other servants/ trainees. Places where there were holes in my confidence
feel changed, reinforced, whole.

If you want someone to know their place, then treat them appropriately so
they don’t have to guess.”

– Soulhuntre

“If you want to be served, act like someone who deserves service”
-Salsuginious

But those words were not enough- I needed to remember my own advice:

“You have to MEAN it.”