Spooooon!

In The Doubtful Guest by flagg4 Comments

As many of you know, I savor fine crazy. Self mutilators, conspiracy theorists, crackpots, loons and wackos. I love the people who think that their appliances are conspiring against them, I love the people at war with their toes. I collect the crazymail TES gets, and the cribbed pamphlets handed out buy streetcorner prophets howling about the number of the beast. I love it all… and the internet brings it all right to me.


Today, I have been once again blessed by an all-new psychosis: Real Life Superheroes. These upstanding citizens dress in homemade costumes, and “patrol for crime”, making their own little corner of Bumblefuck safe from super-villany. Does it work? You have to ask! Have you seen any giant robots in your neighborhood? Cowled supervillans plundering the innocent? No? Than obviously, you owe these caped crusaders a debt of gratitude.

And they have their own websites!
The forums are hysterical. It’s hard to tell which are better- the emotionally disturbed manchild sitting in his basement with no clue or understanding of the world outside his own head:

“Im the jackalope or i will be in five years. Im a young man intrested in becoming a superhero and ill be starting training soon. Im not very strong right now thats why ive given myself five years to train and learn a martial art,Not to mention saving up my money Kevlar and gadgets. Any advice?”

I have been wondering if the appearance of a costumed superhero might make some local criminals become more creative. If that is the case than would we not be responsible for inspiring them in the first place. Keep in mind not all people who thik like we do are on the side of good.”

“I recently found out about a device called the hyper dimensional resonator an alleged time machine. This device is supposed to allow someone to both temporal project and travel physically through time. The schemactics are included in several books for sale at about $30 They also sell a completed unit for about $590 If it works (it probobly wont) but if it does we will be able to watch the news and go back and stop all of the murders before they happen. I dont have the engeneering skills to build a radio let alone a time machine. And i dont have the money to buy one just yet. But any of you have either the skills or the cash it might be worth looking into. I found several other time machines online but thisone is the most highly recomended”

Or the middle aged fruitbat who actually dons costumes and thinks he’s fighting the good fight:

“I’ve noticed people dissing patrolling as ineffective, but It serves lots of purposes: It puts a crimefighter on the streets instead of rotting in front of the TV. If you walk it helps keep you in shape, and it can boost morale and keep you in the proper frame of mind between bigger operations. You shouldn’t ever be too good to keep an eye on the streets!”

Or the helpful suggestions which prove a somewhat tenuous grip on the realities of urban lawbreakers:

“When you are patrolling you should go into the absolute worst sections of town because these are the places ruled by the gangs. GangBangers are a clear source of orginized street crime. Drugs Beatings Murder rape car theft Gangs have links to all of these crimes. im not saying gangs are the source of all crime but street crime is what you go after when you patrol and gangs are the source of most of it. If you wanna make a real difference take down the gangs”

(Can you imagine some wackaloon in a cape made of his mom’s bedspread stepping up to the Crips or the Latin kings? “All right, naughty-spawn! Cut out all that evil!” )

Check out the forums, the related websites, the astonishing Myspace profiles… and share in the delusion, revel in the stark slavering buggo of it all. This stuff is awesome.

PS: “I’m Batman.”

  • Where on earth do you find this stuff!

    The purpose of a costume is not simply to protect the identity of the Real-Life Superhero from criminals that might seek revenge, but to make a statement both to the evil-doers that you fight against and to the world at large: you are not simply someone who happened upon crime or injustice and made an impulsive decision to intervene. You have vowed to actively fight for the betterment of humankind and to serve as an example for others. The costume of a Real-Life Superhero must be of sufficient quality to show some care went into it’s creation.

    Yeah and if your costume isn’t good enough, the Real-Life Superhero ™ patrol will kick your inadequately costumed ass!

  • The registry is great, though I think they really need a Webmaster of Wonder to fix stuff up for them

  • The Bat Cow…

    I must share with you the story of how Draco became “The Bat Cow” one cold and windy night…

  • If you walk it helps keep you in shape…

    So, you’re telling me there is a market for the Prowl Away the Pounds: The Superhero Path to Fitness book I’ve been working on.