You don’t want what I have…

I spend a lot of time NOT talking about what I feel. Leading a trail of breadcrumbs at best, I’ll hint, I’ll refer, I’ll insinuate… but rarely will I come out and say what I mean. There’s a reason that I call the blog Innuendo; really the whole website is like that- enigmatic puzzles, saying a great deal about me, but never directly.

Then there’s THIS.

My best friend blogged something which took an incredible amount of guts. A straightforward, no nonsense accounting of a painfully intimate and difficult situation. There are people out there who compulsively read every word he says JUST to give him shit, and he still posts unflinchingly about something that hurts.

The reason I mention this is not just because he deserves credit, but because what he wrote about was very intimate and personal to me as well. He and I spend a great deal of time defining the ways we are different- yet here he defines something in which we are very much the same. No, I’m not gonna stand here and declare that my pain is just like his, but I have to tell you- they are close enough for rock and roll, and then some. I’m not gong to describe it, if you read this than you’ve probably read this already. But if you have not, you may want to. Or you may not.

Ken posted some lyrics of a song by a band called “Staind” which hit this on a very specific note. I had noticed the same song, for what is probably the same reason: a specific lyric-

“Inside you’re ugly; ugly like me.”

I am going to offer a few song lyrics to him in return- it’s where we are alike, as well as where we differ.

“you can have it all, my empire of dirt;
I will break you down, I will make you hurt.”
NIN – hurt

“I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbicile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find the center in you;
I will chew you up and leave;

Trust me
Trust me
Trust me
Trust me“

Tool – Sober

“If I were twice the man I could be,
I’d still be half of what you need.”

NIN – Ringfinger

“It’s your Uncle Bingo; time to pay the check.”

I am currently living in a very stressful time, a place where all my mistakes and fears have come back to me. Well, you know what? Everybody pays. I may have made a thousand mistakes, but if I can have the even a fraction of the strength of character that Ken has, then I can sleep at night, get up in the morning, and set about setting the errors of my life right- and be profoundly grateful for every day I have to do it. There are a few people I am very proud to have as friends- Sir C and Ken are high on that list; but even more, I am occasionally overwhelmed that they see me as a friend and a peer. Daniel-San, Tom, Dave… you should know who you are by now.

I have a lot to be grateful for. Ugly inside or not.
You “may not want what I have”- but I would not trade it for anything.
I want what I have.

That should be enough to keep me going.
And I hope that a few words from me to a man I genuinely respect and admire, a man who taught me more than he knows might remind him that he is worth all that has been invested in him by those around him, and more.

PS:the Gap Series- Stephen R. Donaldson – read them.
Ken’s key is Angus, mine is Nick. The unpleasant similarities are… uncanny.
Sir C, on the other hand is Min Donner.
Read it and it will make sense. I LOVE these books.