‘Rasslin Food

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Someone who was looking for me for a few years found me through this. It was posted on an amusing website back in March 2000. I thought it should be archived somewhere here, and I still think it’s funny, if a bit dated.

Mosquito Pete, this one’s for you.

Whilst romping around New York City, we decided to put more money in Vince McMahon’s pockets, because we are worried about him. Charitable souls that we are, we decided the best way to acheive our altruistic goals was to go to his WWF Times Square theme food joint. Stepping over the homeless we made our way to this veritable temple.

I was really hoping that Vince went all out on this — I mean stark slavering buggo. Our fervent desire was to be escorted to our table by scantily clad bimbos while Michael Buffer announced the specials. Then the waiter would come and ask for our drink order. As we spoke, he would scream in our faces “IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT YOU WANT TO DRINK!” whereupon he would be tackled en masse by the masked Mexican busboys leaping from the light fixtures. Shortly thereafter, another waiter would come and drop off our menus.

Our hearts raced at the thought of what hideously kitschy entrees would await us: Gangrilled Chicken? DDT-Bone Steak with D-Lo Brown Gravy? Rakishi Lorraine (deep dish, assuredly)? Hot Road Doggs? Rock Lobster, each with a big complimentary glass of SHUT UP JUICE! (“FIX IT!”) Chicken in a Headlock? Onion Rings of Saturn? For drinks, their answer to a bloody mary: a Bloody Foley, served, of course, with Hell-in-a-Celery. Or, perhaps, an AcoLite beer, served Stone Cold from the 2Cooler? For dessert, the Dean “Ice Cream Man” Malenko sundae bar, served personally by the stout and glaring “Man of a Thousand Sauces.” I’ll have the Dudley Boyz Sundae — D-Vonilla and Buh Buh Rum Raisin with Sexual Chocolate sauce…. When the food arrived, the waiters would powerbomb it RIGHT THROUGH THE TABLE, and then beat each other bloody with steel chairs for our amusement! The mind boggles! Oh, we were so excited!

No such luck. The screens were big, the entrance music ambient, the service acceptable, and the burgers surprisingly good (on the theme-restaraunt scale of “good”) and worth nearly two-thirds of what we paid for them. It was tame fun.

But oh, I really was looking forward to a big bowl of Bad Ass Billy Gumbo….