I’ve been mucking about in a depression for almost a month now, and it was coming to a critical point this morning. Just… woke up black, and it was not getting any better. In the mail came the news I was expecting, what I was dreading. The Property has a buyer. I knew it was coming- my twin watched her dream get sold away, so I knew it was not going to be long. That’s the way these things work. It’s a long, terrible umbilical.

The hammer fell, and nailed me down but good. Straw- camel’s back. Critical mass.  I was having trouble remembering why you have to try in the first place; just lost in my own head. I wanted to give up. I had enough objectivity to know I was stuck, that I had to do something to get out of the tar pit. The idea of going to see The Village and dinner came up, and I clutched it like a life preserver. My animal was trying to pry what was wrong out of me- but what was there to say? To speak it out loud would just have been diminishing- and I had already dwindled as far as I could bear. Get out. Look for signs. Find my center. That’s what I had to do, or I’d just sit at home and drink Drano.  

So- out. The movie was pretty good, it was distracting- and it reminded me of a few important things. I was pondering them as we
found Her.

I’ve never seen Her for sale. And there were so many. She was in five or six places in the window, topped by a great brass version- head and bowl, sword and tusk, skirt of hands, necklace of skulls, foot on her consort, fangs and tounge.

She’s 1800$. I can do that, eventually. I bought one of the smaller ones for $20

More than that, she was there when I needed her to tell me a few things:

“My children live. With gratitude for every sunrise I let them see, they live. They weep. They bleed. They rage. They burn. They die. They dance. they fuck. They roar. Before me, they crawl.

But they do not snivel. So shut the fuck up.”

She has given me more than I have ever deserved. She has given me more than many people will ever see. I have wasted many more chances than most people will have ever had. I have been blessed. I even have someone to bleed with.  I had forgotten all her gifts.

Everybody pays.

It’s just my turn.

And- until I am before Her, I will not crawl. So fuck this. And fuck anyone in my way. I have a long way to go before I get Home, and I am not troubled by the idea of stepping over as many bodies as I have to.

“Farewell happy fields
Where joy ever dwells, hail horrors, hail
Infernal world, and thou profoundest Hell
Receive thy new Posessor.”

Milton- Paradise Lost