This MUST be read.
“Oh I completely forgot about that. Yeah. I was not only afraid of Jed popping out with a knife, I was also afraid of those tarantulas. They were like a big unknown X-factor in the apartment. Normally I’m not very frightened of just godawful messes or rats, but if you throw giant tarantulas into the mix it really drives me up a wall. Especially in terrain like that. I was imagining setting my hand down on a part of the couch right as I was climbing over it and setting it right down on top of one of those hairy bastards. They could move, too. The fact that there were newspapers all around for them to hide under didn’t help. And I imagined they had plenty to eat while in that apartment, and possibly gave birth to a jillion other little tarantulas…”
http://www.thingie.net/rants/what/
This may be both the funniest and most horrible account of craziness ever.
All of it. If you start, no stopping until the end.
I repeat:
This MUST be read.
Comments
18 responses to “The horror…. the horror,,,,”
That’s the foulest thing I ever read. Who is this guy?
I think he was taking shits in the bathtub and covering it with newspapers, like some kind of foul lasagna.
Holy Shit… That link is going into my journal too…
“So anyway, I am crawling through the hole I’ve made in the blockaded hallway. I finally realize why he has been making so much noise. The fucker has made some kind of evil fortress. If my room is the fortress of light, his is the fortress of evil. And feces.”
Sssssshhhhhhh…
Don’t give it away- the best part of this is the suspense, like Heart of Darkness or Alien… creeping through the dripping, infested foulness in your leathers and bike helmest armed only with a maglight and pipe wrench, as the indescribable metallic idiot groanings and banging sounds emanate from the rooms beyond…
It needs to be a video game, like Silent Hill- but they would have to find a way of packaging the Lovecraftian STENCH of it all… maybe a virtual headset that would spray you in the eyes with dogshit and lemon juice.
I’ve reread this at least twice, and the “foul lasagna” line still gets a horrified chuckle out of me.
Re: Sssssshhhhhhh…
The fortress of evil thing doesn’t ruin anything either, i think, it was just a great comparison…
Re: Sssssshhhhhhh…
Without a doubt, it is a great line.
I’m so glad that this gem is being appreciated for the narrative adventure and source of disturbing hilarity it is.
I crawl through the hole and pop out in his room. My strategy when playing doom 3, when I knew something bad was about to happen in a room I dropped into, was to run around like crazy in the dark and fling grenades. Well, instead of doing the slick commando thing and dropping into a crouch and assessing the situation, I popped out of that hallway barricade with my wrench and flashlight, and ran like crazy into the pitch black room, swinging around at anything and everything. I connected with some stuff but nothing human. My foot failed me and I fell over and crawled like mad to a corner. I dove for my flashlight, picked it up, and assessed the room.
Jesus christ thats funny… “Doom 3” “slick commando thing”
“This is embarassing, but I forgot to mention. As I was hurling stuff, I had my wrench in my hand still, and so I hit myself in the face with it. It required some stitches, and, since I had hit the trashbag full of feces with the wrench, it got infected.”
LOL…this is *so* something I would end up doing!
Loved how he wanted to stick around to see just how bad it would get…love that ‘car crash’ mentality :>
“I kicked open the bathroom door and screamed at the top of my lungs,
“YOU FUCKING FUCK SHIT”
I wasn’t in the right mind to come up with awesome catch phrases, so let’s pretend I screamed something bannable like, “The juice is loose!”
Too damn funny! It’s so what I’d end up saying!
Is this work safe? I want to read it. And then maybe forward it to Sir.
You must
It is just text, so work safe. As far as forwarding it, I posted the kink on the Suspevts list with the heading “For Ah Pook” to be certain he does not miss it- but make sure he sees it, as this was WRITTEN for him.
I am not sure which of them is sicker.
Re: You must
Reading your description of it (and everyone else’s) made me think of him.
You’re so forceful ๐ I’ll go read it now.
Re: You must
God the more I hear about H’s Sir, the more I REALLY want to meet him.
Re: You must
Fucking. Wow.
“He shat in the crisper drawer.”
***
Freshness is so important.
WOW….and i thought living with family was bad
Re: You must
As you know, i have few nice things to say about people- so listen up, as I am unlikely to repeat this:
Heather’s Sir is a man I admire, love, and miss. I am genuinely bitched that he moved away, and I learned a lot from him.
He’s a man so twisted, it’s an honor to call him “droog”.