“Thousands of years ago, before the dawn of man, there was Surva-Santa of Claus:
an apelike creature who’d make crude and pointless toys out of dino bones and his own waste. Hurling them at apelike creatures with crinkled hands, regardless of how they behaved the previous year. These so-called toys were buried as witches and deficated upon, and hurled at predators who were awoken by the searing grunts of the children. It wasn’t a holly jolly christmas that year, for many were killed.

A warlike race of elves from the red planet landed on the ice-encased earth and they were immediately enslaved by the unevolved Santa Ape to make his confused toys, with galactic elfin technology. They were made into recognizable shapes and had names like: “train”.

But these too were thrown at predators and deficated upon. Because they were so stupid, Christmas still sucked in a big way.

Thousands of years ago, the ice made the earth uninhabitable. Santa Ape did not know where the north pole was. How could he? He was born before science existed. So he arbitrarly placed his workshop right here, long before they unionized, and Christmas was celebrated on each full moon in front of the great red planet!’

Thank you, Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Ho, ho, ho.