In my world, there is a new King of the Monkeys.

I attended a DSF meeting the other night- Ken Soulhuntre was featured on a panel convened to address the topic “Extreme Dominance: My way or the highway”. How could I resist? Ken, addressing that crowd of muttonheaded soccer moms? I had to be there. Ken, Kimiko, and I met up with lonewolf;Ken took a seat onstage among the others, and we settled in for the show.

The panel, in its entirety, consisted of a young guy from Brooklyn, Ken, a “Sir Guy” or “Master Guy”(a gray, balding, bespectacled nondescript middle aged vacuum; he was like a hole in the stage. The eye just passed right over him), Master Phil – more on him in a moment- and the fetish-gear clad Mistress Lashes. It was hosted by Bob Horowitz and Viktor, who run DSF. These two provided the garnish on the feast of flatulence which was to come. Bob began the evening by trying and failing to be clever, an effort he nobly sustained throughout the proceedings. He also initiated the customary “fumbling with the microphone” and “screaming howls of electronic feedback” which punctuated the evening so elegantly. He, Viktor, and most of the panel artfully illustrated the principle that electronics are for grownups, and if you cannot handle a microphone, someone should take it away from you and smack your hand if you ever try to touch it again.

A word about the Big Bob Horowitz style of panel moderation. No matter what the panel or the topic, he seems to have an insatiable desire to both host the panel and be on it. He spent more time talking into the mike than some of the panelists, contributing his point of view at length whenever he felt the need- which was often. Most amusing, he often forgets to give the microphone back to the panelists, so that only he can be heard in the back of the club, while the guests shout futilely from the stage. Every time I have attended a meeting he has hosted, I have never seen this routine vary. I cannot fault his enthusiasm, however, and as always he threw himself with gusto into his self- appointed task: to misunderstand his own topic, and guide the panelists as far away from the subject as possible.

The topic, as I said, was Dominance… so naturally, Bob wanted to talk about the definition of sadism, and who is really in charge if you are hurting someone and the enjoy it, and what was a heavy scene. Sadly, this did not faze some of the panel, who also seemed unable to differentiate the subjects.

Mistress Lashes has a clue- she talked about both topics, at least attempting to drag the topic into the line of questioning. Master Guy reminded me of a high school freshman at a college party- trying gamely to fit in, but just not up to speed. As far as I can tell, the concept of the topic escaped him utterly. I suspect he is a heavy physical player, which the panel organizers- themselves kind of nebulous on the subject- mistook for Dominance; but nothing that he had to say the entire evening suggested any grasp of the topic at hand. Ken was Ken- funny, concise, and firmly on point. This doubtless confused many of the DSF crowd, who seem far more used to the rest of this monkey business than any actual discussion. Brooklyn I liked- he was honest and direct, and contributed only what was germane to the topic- as opposed to Master Phil.

I have always had a negative impression of Master Phil, King of the Monkeys(otherwise known as Hurricane Phil; there’s that much air being blown about when he opens that great yap of his) since the first time I saw him, probably a decade ago, back at the Bond St. location of TES. He was on some panel or another, and was holding forth on something. I was used to this kind of signal-to-noise ratio from speakers, so nothing fazed me until he mentioned a trick he had done to some girl which was new to me, seemed original and kinda cool. I offered a positive comment, which he seized on to suggest to the moderator “I could do a meeting on that: Cool Stuff I Do”… He was dead serious, and I suddenly felt I understood him much better: He was a pompous jackass.

Over the years, my instincts have been proved right again and again. I’ve seem him on panels and he was always the same. One thing I find frustrating about him is he is not always wrong. Sometimes, he and I have a perspective in common… but his approach is so wordy, self-aggrandizing, overblown and egocentric that it crushes his credibility, and drags the principle in question right down the chute with him. W hen he brushes up against an accurate idea, he stains it… and I have to fight the compulsion to stand up and shout “I’m not with him!” He’s not really on my team! He can’t be! For Christ’s merciful bleeding sake, man, shut up and stop embarrassing the rest of us!”

But this time, something new had been added to the mix. Something which pushed him over the edge from tropical-storm embarrassing to hurricane humiliating:

The microphone.

Some things bring out the worst in people- sometimes it’s money, race, competition… but here it was that microphone. As it passed from hand to hand he watched it with the naked, hawk-ike greed of a toddler eyeung the candy dish. When at one point, an audience member asked the panel each to tell a short anecdote which might sum up their style of Dominance, he lunged for it. I’m not sure if he actually left his chair, but he gave the impression of vaulting across the stage, a desperate bridesmaid diving for the bouquet. Once he snatched it up, he launched into his “anecdote”, which was as long as it was pointless. (Apparently, his magical ass-beatings can get you a PhD.) No-one else bothered to offer a story after this lengthy tale finally ran it’s course, summed up by Ken stating “I’m not gonna follow that.”

When the question of “What do you do to earn your submissive’s loyalty?” was posited, his answer was grandiose but well-rehearsed… unsurprising, as it was his girl who lobbed the question. Each of them answered, and when Ken’s turn came up, his was different from the others: “Nothing- I am the best I can be at what I am, and I am always trying to be better. If that inspires someone to serve, great- but I don’t do it for them, or else I’d be defined by their expectations, and that would put them in charge.” Hurricane Phil must have thought that that was a much better answer than his initial one, because he snatched the mike back and rolled out commentary about how Jesus was the perfect man, and thousands of years later people still give their lives over to him (By which one must conclude contextually that Jesus was the perfect Dominant), and thus the more perfect you are, the more natural it is that hot chicks will submit to you, blah blah blah blah… essentially, taking Ken’s answer and turning into overblown semantic bullshit, which he hurled at the audience like the monkey he is, staking his territorial claim on the idea by co-opting the better answer- and pissing on it.

The final insult was still to come. Even as I was wiping the monkey shit off from his last answer, the question came up from someone who was seriously interested in the topic: “If it’s my-way-or-the-highway, how do you handle the challenges and problems that come up from handling human beings? What do you do when they don’t meet your expectations?”

Ken explained the areas where he will give-and-take, and where he will not, so as to balance flexibility with the integrity of his collar. Two of the others said they give chances, and as long as someone is sincerely trying, they are liable to be lenient. Master Guy waffled about giving chance after chance after chance until they finally leave him. Master Phil, however maintained the following (paraphrased for brevity):

“If you are Dominant enough, your slave will simply fall into line and never challenge you; thus, I have never had these “difficulties” of which you speak.”

Right.

So, for the unparalleled gall to either bald-faced lie that such problems never happen to you– or spinning the fact that you avoid these difficulties by demanding nothing your girl does not want to do in the first place and/or maintaining no discernable standards (the better to avoid those pesky “difficulties”), I crown thee “Master Phil, Ridiculous Blowhard, Embarrassment of the Realm, King of the Monkeys.

Long may he reign.