So the shockwaves have died away, and the silence after the devastation. The silence brought peace and clarity of vision, and I acted to preserve it as best I could- but you can’t<\/i>. The security that came from that zen-like calm is gone, and now I have to do the work. <\/p>\n
But things are not the same as they were.<\/p>\n
The other day I stumbled. Hell- I failed<\/i>. I was in the middle of a conversation, following my instincts, being myself, being in the monment- and when I encountered a sign of resistance I-<\/p>\n
I backed down<\/i>. For no reason.<\/p>\n
Again<\/b>. <\/p>\n
The situation does not matter, nor do the rationalizations. They never do. I was furious- and as such, something finally gave. Something which had to give finally did. But that was inevitable, and as such does not really matter right now. What matters is this:<\/p>\n
I stayed<\/i> furious. <\/p>\n
And the necxt morning I was raging<\/i>– so angry I woke myself up<\/b>. I was not angry at the person, or the situation- I was angry at myself. And that anger did not fade until I understood exactly what I had done, and looked at it squarely. It was not going to let me hide, or bury it, or accept it as inevitable, or blame anyone else. <\/p>\n
No hiding place. Nothing to do, no way to calm myself but accept it, understand it- and be utterly unsatisfied with that degree of failure, but turn it into drive.<\/p>\n
I look at this and wonder: Is this the genie out of the bottle? I see no way to put it back in, even if I wanted to.<\/p>\n
It is the start of something- I only know this because there is no way to turn back.<\/p>\n
More important: I don’t know where this leads, or if it’s a good thing. All I know is:<\/p>\n
I will not ever<\/b> turn back.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
—–<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/foolish-house.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/501"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/foolish-house.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/foolish-house.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/foolish-house.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/foolish-house.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=501"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/foolish-house.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/501\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/foolish-house.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=501"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/foolish-house.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=501"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/foolish-house.local\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=501"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}