New Years is one of my Holy days. It’s the day of my Mother, of death and rebirth. And true to form, that’s exactly what it was.
It’s like a tooth getting pulled after a few days… I am tonguing the socket where the tooth was, but the pain is mostly gone. It’s really been healing over for a while now, and New Years – Mother’s day- was just the curtain call. We found comfort for a few days, touching the places where we want, where we are made for each other- but there are just as many places we are not.
Wanting is not enough. A person may want you even if you are not what they need. You may want them even if they are not what you need.
I hope we do better next time. I wonder if this is what we were brought together to do. She is going back to the place she knows she will be safe, the place she never really left. Be safe, Judy. Keep warm, keep gardens, keep flowers, keep your fishpond, and love the things you love.
I don’t regret any of it. I learned so much. I grew so much. I scarred so much.
There is no going back, for either of us… and in that I have finally found peace. Relief. It’s time to bare these scars and move forward, in a way I could not do while I held on.
I just told my boi, in no uncertain terms, that we would not be resigning in a few months. That would be another step back. He has a home with me, with my friends, a place to come and visit- but he can’t live here. He can’t look for romance- and in the span of a month or so, for the comfort of authority, either.
New Years is time for endings and beginnings. There may have been a beginning as well. But I am not going to invest in expectations of that type… they just cause trouble down the line.
What I know is:
These things have ended, so that other things might begin.
That these things are what they are.
That I spent new Years among those I love, my family. The friends who I hold dearest- and those who were not there, they were thought of and missed.
It’s a new year. let’s see what I can make of it.