I ache all over. This is the beginning of my third week on the job, and I am finally able to stay awake for more than a moment walking through the door. After about a decade of freelance computer and artwork (And sloth. Lots of sloth. Can’t forget that- that being “Sloth”. Not the critter. I don’t have one of those.)I am working 6 days, 50+ hours a week of physical work.
I’ve spent weeks being too exhausted to function and violent reactions from my body- especially in terms of diabetic backlash- and am finally becoming able to make it through the day without wishing I were going to be mercy-killed and even have a life outside of work. It was really depressing to be hurting, sick, and awake only to go get more of the same. I am beginning to see the light at the end, and am even losing some weight- which is good in every sense.
My pride took a huge hit taking this job, and even more after a few weeks at it. It’s the first time that I am not working based on my abilty, talent, skills or charm- I’m just filling a role, and a pretty lowly one at that. Most of what I do is humiliatingly menial. Low pay, long hours, grunt work. yesterday, it really hit me that I was waiting for something more… like this was hazing,m and if I just made it through I’d get to do the real job I was hired for- the one that involves me.
No. This is the job. This is what I am going to be doing for at least the next few months. Accept it, embrace it- because if I’m waiting for something else to happen, I am not going to do a good job.
I refuse to be doing this low work poorly. That would be disgraceful. That would be real humiliation, not just hurt pride.
I was struggling with that hurt pride (My other sin. Really, I’m just bragging- I collected the whole set of seven.) when my buddy Soulhuntre called with some good perspective.
What am I doing?
I’m gettin’ paid.
For now, that’s what I gotta do, and there’s no shame in that.