True Romance

In The Doubtful Guest by flagg6 Comments

(found on Soupsandwich

0445: Wake her up at her house with a flashbang in the bedroom. Scream at her and tell her she’s got “Exactly thirty-fucking-seconds” to get out to the Parade field for PT. The Parade field can be her front yard, backyard, street front, wherever. While she’s scrambling to get her clothes on, start tossing firecrackers in the room, and shooting a super-soaker or BB-gun at her.

0500: Take her through the daily dozen, then a nice 7 mile run through a river. Trick her into thinking you’re going to stop at a truck and you’ll drive her back, then announce that she’s running back while YOU sit in the truck and pour yourself coffee and eat a donut. Scream at her to “Move your ass” and inform her that her dead grandmother could run faster to give the Devil a blowjob.

0600: Let her eat chow with a spoon (the better to shovel the food in), giving her about 3 minutes to finish the entire thing. Make sure the chow is cold and barely fit for consumption. Continue to grill her about her Ranger Handbook, and ask her who her Fire Team is, and what the proper E&E plan is should the Chow Hall (her breakfast nook) be attacked. If she doesn’t know, announce that breakfast is now over, toss her some MRE Crackers and cheese, and demand she chug it while running back to the Barracks (or her house. In fact, call her house “The CP” all day) to change.

0615: Make her stand in formation as you rattle off some boring diatribe of the day’s coming attractions. Then scream at her for having her clothes un-pressed and her hair all unkempt. Tell her she’s a useless bag of shit, and you have ALL fucking day to wait for her slow ass to get pretty. Stand behind her with hair clippers and threaten to shave her head GI Jane-style if she doesn’t start growing wings on her hands while applying makeup.

0730: Bring her by the gun range, and have her zero her weapon. This will be the only time you aren’t screaming at her, because now she’s armed–and you need to give her the false sense of security, so she doesn’t wig out and shoot you. Be extra nice to her, and encourage her in her shooting. This will serve two purposes: it will throw her off, and it will soften her up for a verbal assault later on.

1200: Give her an MRE for lunch, allowing her five minutes to finish it. Make her bury the leftovers and sprinkle CS Powder on it.

1205: Make her do wind-sprints until she throws it all up. Give her another half-MRE and let her eat it all this time.

1215: Announce that you have a night jump, and she needs to go to the rigger shack to draw her MC1-C (parachute). If she balks at this, bark “I thought you wanted a fun date!!! This IS FUN!!!!”

1300: Take her to mock fuselage to familiarize her with jumping. Instead of practicing, hump her on the ramp.

1830: Spend a minute doing a JMPI, give her the machine gun and make her waddle up the ramp of the C-17. If she trips, keep pushing her up the ramp. Roll her if necessary. Tell her that this is how it would be if she were getting ready for “The big jump.” Keep alluding to “The big jump” and laugh at the quizzical look on her face.

1900: If she’s cool enough to jump, make sure she’s first off the DZ and has perimeter security set up, and let her take first watch. Pretend to fall asleep, but instead see if she racks out, then take her purse. Throw all contents of it on the ground and inform her she’s “Dead” and the enemy got to her purse. Tell her if this had been a weapon, you would have shot her with it. Instead, you just filled her $400 Coach purse with mud.

2100: Give her another MRE, and announce you’ll be inspecting her bedroom. Give her points off for a bed not made properly. Rip covers off, and tell her to re-make it. When she does, go through her closet and randomly toss articles of clothing out onto the floor. Jump on something.

2200: Announce that the Sexual Time will now begin, thrust repeatedly for 10 pumps, blow it, and move out with precision. Give her fire-watch at her house, so she doesn’t follow you. If need be, go back for more head as needed. She should be ready at all times to dispense–as per the Ranger Creed of being always ready.

2210: Make her write up a 5-page de-brief on her day, and how she can better serve you, and the Army. Have her brief your dog, who is still awake, as you doze off. The Dog is the Company Mascot, and every bit as important as the 1SG.

2300: Dismiss her. Inform her that first call will be at 0445 and she’d “Better God-Damned be ready” to go again.

Now THAT is a first date.