Loathing

In The Doubtful Guest by flagg18 Comments

Two years or so ago I divested myself of all the D/s mailing lists I was on but the one I own. It was a fine idea, and one I have not regretted- mostly because of the following:

”The walk in beauty, is most real, most required to let go, to have all
resistance in body heart mind and spirit fall away like a thin
weightless veil.”

Due to a yahoo glitch, the worst of these lists still sends me mail, even though I am long ago unsubscribed. And, God help me, occasionally I read it.

And I hate.

This list is composed entirely of the worst sort of specimen… “Dominants” whose attempt at flowery language and faux “wisdom” make them read like Dogberry, “submissives” who are so wrapped up in godawful sub-netiquitte and wretched, obsequious sniveling that they never actually have anything to say (As that would detract from their being empty vessels of submissive beauty, filled to overflowing with the power of the Master, Lord Neverreallymettheguy.)

As far as I can tell, the entirety of list conversation goes like this:

Lord Monkeytstardarkness posts someone else’s essay in lieu of having a thought of His own in His majestic, jowly hambeast skull.

slave gossamersofabutt swoons, overwhelmed with the Domly powers of Lord Monkeytstardarkness’ cut-and-paste skills, and how the article so exactly resonates in her own life in the trailer park.

slave tremblingchinsoflust Does not, in fact agree- so there must be something wrong with her to disagree with the towering Dominant Majesty of Lord Monkeytstardarkness, so she must remove herself to the corner in order to meditate on her failings, and await the chance to be filled with the wisdom of her Dominant. And oreos.

Repeat until everybody involved has finished touching their sticky bits, repeat as necessary, use plenty of butter.

It took me while to finally figure out that this is all just cybersex for the ego; that I was never going to find an actual conversation among all the “W/we” and “This slave” and orgiastic hambeast nipple twisting which passes for grammar, charm or substance in these places. It’s an excuse to feel all Dommy or Slavey or whatever-the-fuck, without actually having to do anything. It makes furries look healthy.

Poor z111 – she actually lives near these people, who I believe are pictured here.

  • I’ve had the recent pleasure of discovering b.com. You know what? You and Ken have been telling the truth all along. I marvel.

  • Thank you for the reminder on just why I adore you so.

    Hambeast is one of my all time favorite words.

    If you still have the drivel, I humbly implore you to send it my way. I really miss the comedy of those lists sometimes.

    • I’ll even wait patiently in the corner for the wisdom of these posts. And oreos.

      • My current favorite

        “Sirs/all

        this girl is in a mess right now and very upset by her own folly,
        Master is away and she has lost his shed keys somewhere in the
        house , Master has now been told because slave cannot find them
        this girl is getting very worried now Master is a bit upset his
        motorbike is in there and all his tools and its alarmed..

        so you see this slave has been threatened with a severe whipping if
        she does not find them before Master comes home.. slave needs ideas
        as to where a girl may put keys down..she cant even let in Masters
        dogs right now so she is really stressed.. any suggestions will help
        her

        but please dont tell her she is stupid Master has done that more
        than once now and called her a lot of others things as well…
        things ot would be inpolite to repeat…

        this girl apologises if this is not suitable material for this group
        but asks please can someone give her ideas..to help jog her memory
        this girl likes her skin very much thankyou

        Master is so annoyed she is extreemly worried
        is there any sofas i can hide behind please

        with respect slave (name omitted for contempt reasons)”

        I lost the keys- so, obviously, the thing for me to do is write a mailing list. Because I can no longer afford telepsychics, and if I take off my tinfoil hat, the aliens will get me. Beats actually looking, i figure.

        My suggestion:
        Turn the gas all the way up on the stove, then take a nap.

        • Re: My current favorite

          Oh my lord. I swear, if I had a slave like that… oh wait, I did…

          Gee, maybe a good skinning is what she needs…. or a brain transplant, because she seems to think everyone knows the layout of her house or her habits.

          Dear Sirs/all,

          This slave has finally found Master’s shed keys. This slave forgot that this girl stuffed them up this slaves ass for safekeeping. This girl totally thought it was constipation yet this one knew it was too comfortable to be that. Master decided afterwards that this girl’s ass was a good storage space for all kinds of objects. Master invites you all to help pack it up.

          with respect slave myamoebahasmorebrainsthanme

          • Re: My current favorite

            I’m glad I hadn’t taken a sip of coffee before reading this. I’m sure it would have come spewing out! Thankfully my computer keyboard and screen have been spared.

          • Re: My current favorite

            I’m glad you appreciated it…Flagg hit upon one of *my* pet peeves as well, and I had no choice but to let loose the venom on those deserving of it.

        • Re: My current favorite

          Oh. Wow. That’s breathtaking.

          I always feel like I missed out on something when I read this stuff. Like being the dumb slave. Which seems like it would be loads of fun. Except that it’s not. Of course, I could do things like lose a set of keys and run around the house wringing my hands and wailing, “Oh Lawdy! Lawdy! Isa dun wanna whippin’ from Massa.”

          But it seems like the pomp and circumstance of this stuff would be fun. For, like, 10 minutes. And then I’d have to run out of the room screaming. And verbally abuse the dominant who thought that this was a good way of having a relationship. But for that 10 minutes, it would sure be sweet.

          > any suggestions will help her but please dont tell her she is stupid Master has done that more than once now and called her a lot of others things as well

          So did she get the, “That’s abusive that he called you stupid and is beesing mean to you. He obviously can’t control you because he can’t control his anger. He’s no Master. People make mistakes and it’s just an accident so he shouldn’t be whippin’ you none.”

          Actually, if they do…I don’t think I want to know. I don’t think I could hack it. ello…emailing strangers to ask where the keys are is…well, stupid.

          >I lost the keys- so, obviously, the thing for me to do is write a mailing list.

          I’d whip the #!&$ out of her for getting on a mailing list and asking other people who have never been in the house where the keys are instead of LOOKING FOR THE GOD DAMN KEYS.

          Damn. I need some oreos now.

  • ROTFL, I *love* you. I long ago decided that I was overly annoyed by online “kink” venues.

    Every time I stop back (because I have a few friends still on bondage.com IRC, which the channels I’m on are *chat* not “scene” channels) I stop in some of the channels that are just like that list and get a good laugh.

    Its amusing at first, annoying second, disheartening third, and finally I’ve had my fill for at least a year 🙂

    *laugh*

    You rock.

  • I have to admit, this cracked me up. I spent a lot of time online once upon a time, and while I’ll be the first to praise the many virtues of online communities and the very real people and friends I met there, I also met my fair share of this type. The “this slave” and “Y/your” types, who preach to everyone about the seriousness of this lifestyle and profess undying love for their significant D/s other, but have yet to even meet each other. Ick. I spent a few months using only lowercase to refer to myself and calling everyone who decided they were LordDomlySirPerson “Sir” — and then I got over it and moved on.

    They are good sources for humor, though. And ire as well.

  • orgiastic hambeast nipple twisting

    Best disturbing visual line EVER!

  • Hysterical

    I cannot believe people post mailing list to help them find their keys. I have hardly enough time to post or write on livejournal. This was so fucking amusing.

  • It’s kind of like the other people who believe that because they’re dominant in their interpersonal relationships that all people submissive in *their* relationships must be lower in hierarchy and must respect and defer to them…

    Oops, wrong list 🙂

    FWIW, Flagg – it’s good to read you again. 🙂

  • I’d whip the #!&$ out of her for getting on a mailing list and asking other people who have never been in the house where the keys are instead of LOOKING FOR THE GOD DAMN KEYS.

    The problem with that response is that it might validate her …

    I may be too damned old; I’ve always found most of this cyber D/s pathetically and hilariously laughable. And I’m glad that I don’t know anybody like this well; I’m a kind and gentle person, but I own knives and would be sorely tempted …

    • >The problem with that response is that it might validate her …

      Good point. :/

      >I may be too damned old; I’ve always found most of this cyber D/s pathetically and hilariously laughable.

      I don’t think it has anything to do with age. I wasn’t “brought up” (so to say) in the cyber D/s world and came into it years later. Pretty upsetting from thinking I was the only person on earth who did this…to realizing that nope, not the only person but perhaps in the super-minority. :/

  • Poor z111 – she actually lives near these people, who I believe are pictured here.

    The man who is the “star” of that web page does look awfully familiar.

    I’m happy to say that I mostly avoid the public scene here.

    A man I’ve been corresponding with on b.com has been pursuing a long distance relationship with a woman who seems to be a very pretty, very young, and very naive I-must-find-The-One to lay myself at His feet kind of girl. He’s very frustrated with her because his attempts to get her to be real haven’t gone anywhere. She’s a very pretty girl and I think that inspires him to keep trying to make her be real. Apparently, she blew up in a confrontation yesterday.

    I’m sure she can find someone to fulfill her fantasies, at least until he ends up with lead feet. Maybe I should write to her. 🙂