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In The Doubtful Guest by flagg10 Comments

I’m presenting a new seminar at TES soon- “I’m Only Human”… Rationalizations, Excuses,  and Passive Aggressive D/S and I’m gathering my notes. I’d like to ask: 

From either side of the leash, what excuses, behaviors or rationalizations make you craziest? Bother you most? Or come most easilty?

Either comment or forward me your observations confidentially. The next step after this will probably be another Collarcult podcast, then the TES presentation. 

Thank you kindly.

  • when they change the rules half way through without informing you, punish you for your actions and saying it is their right.

    When they say they are into something and then come to find out that they are not and do not give you an outlet for that.

    When you are no longer under the boot but are still scolded for not acting appropriately or not following past protocols when in their presence. *that drives me nuts*

    Glad to see you posting Uncle.
    I hopefully will see you at TES FEST?
    I am teaching and on *glup* staff. LOL

    • Oh yes – I call that “subbing in a vacuum”. It’s no longer submitting to the person cuz they’ve basically disengaged from all active domination – but they still expect active submission. Yep. That’s a good one.

      Another one of those is: I don’t know how I want it done, but I want you to do it right and that’s not it. (followed by punishment for not getting it right.) Sorry but if you can’t give clear instructions, then don’t get pissed at the sub for not meeting your expectations.

  • The one thing that drove me the craziest was someone who refused to safeword, and claimed during check-in that everything was fine, and then, the next day, proceeded to trash the dom to everyone in sight about how he violated her limits. I’ve seen several instances of this sort of thing: “well, he should have just known” No dear – that’s why you have safewords, and that’s why he was checking in. If you refuse to communicate, don’t whine afterwards about it.

    The other one I detest is those who claim romantically they don’t have to negotiate, their dom just knows them so well. Talk about abdicating your responsibility to yourself AND to your dom. The problem comes when their dom comes up with an idea that has never crossed the sub’s mind. Like – oh, anything to do with finances, or sex in a manner or with partners that never occurred to the sub (those are the usual ones). Then it’s “Oh – no one in their right mind would WANT to do that, therefore, OF COURSE I didn’t negotiate that as a limit. I shouldn’t *have* to.” Argh.

    Personally, I’m amazed that any doms are willing to play with any subs at all, ever.

  • – guilting/shaming the sub when they say no or express any reluctance or hesitation
    – shutting down when there is a problem until the other person gives in
    – comparison to others/going to the group for validation of your feelings
    – lack of forgiveness for the little things/never letting go/making a big drama out of a small thing

    And I can’t STAND the “I just need to test my boundaries to feel secure” bit.

  • Because he’s a “natural dom” and she’s a “natural sub”, their relationship is, by nature, D/s.


    D/s relationships are just like any other relationship.

  • I hate it when a dominant sets a rule, the rule is broken, and there’s no consequence. Sure, this can fall into the “your punishment is my disappointment” category, but more often than not, it feels like either laziness (not following through on a promised consequence) or indifference (he doesn’t seem to care enough about the rule to care that it was broken, therefore why is it a rule?)

    As I think you know, I practice pretty casual D/s, so we may think differently about this particular topic, but I’m very interested to see this presentation.

  • I’m going to sound contrary. :/ Of course, what’s new.

    -Subs acting out to get punished and saying that they are “testing the leash”. Unless there is some type of daddy/mommy dynamic going, act like an adult. If you want a punishment game, we can play punishment games. Just be upfront about what you want and need. If you don’t feel like the dynamic between us is stable–then have a conversation. Don’t act out and expect to have a reaction. Passive-aggressiveness is yucky.

    -Having ridiculous orders like: freaking out if the cheese isn’t placed 2 millimeters from the edge of the bread and learning 10 slave positions in a made-up language. Either your imagination is shitty or you have no idea what to do with a submissive who is very service-oriented.

    -Both sides of the slash not being able to say, “I fucked up.” I don’t necessarily expect an apology, but I do want validation. Stand up and own it. It’ll be ok.

  • D’s making excuses for why a s is allowed to act out. (She broke a nail, her cat died, some other D did that to her and now she has post traumatic stress and can’t handle it, etc.)

    s’s manipulating the D’s every move and everyone acting like it doesn’t happen.

    That “poor me, I’m so cute and innocent and brain dead I can’t possibly have an original thought” thing that some s’s tend to do. What a help they must be in life.

    Stop me, really. I could go on for days.

  • 2 weeks late and undeniably short…

    “what excuses, behaviors or rationalizations make you craziest? Bother you most? Or come most easilty?”

    Excuse – Our lives are too ‘busy’ for protocols, rules or play the way *I* want to do them, so we will start when there is time (when the kids move out, when we aren’t so busy with work, etc.) – makes me crazy, if you wait, you will be dead before you ever get to live as you wish.

    Rationalization – “you crave it, I am a sadist, so I will deny it” not for a session of play, not for specific protocols/rules but for many things for years on end. – makes one a bit wonky after a while.

    Behaviors/excuses – I find it regrettably easy to become defensive and annoyed when there are inconsistent sets of rules/protocols and I am expected to notice a shift, act upon it but not expect it to mean anything other than in that moment and there is disappointment if I fail in some way.

    P/A manipulation – the /s refusing to behave appropriately until they are promised the correct ‘cookie’ as a reward – GRRRRRR

    and…my peeve – those who claim that because one is tied up and the other is weilding an implement with varying degrees of competence, that they have a “D/s Dynamic Lifestyle” – especially when the top in said scene is then catering to the mouthy bottom at all other times as well.

    Okay…my OTHER biggest peeve – the “because I am a sub, a delicate flower, now my bigmasterdom will relieve me of ALL RESPONSIBILITY FOR MYSELF AND MY ACTIONS – I don’t ever have to worry about another thing again as I AM NOT ACCOUNTABLE”

    Like Bree, I could go on and on…