Morgan Sperlock can bite my wrinkled grey ass.

In The Doubtful Guest by flagg14 Comments

30 Days? Kid stuff. Six weeks.

So- after surgery, a few things were determined:

I have to stay off this foot until it heals.
I will need six weeks of IV therapy.
IV therapy at home is hell even with help.
Living alone means I cannot stay off the foot.
My insurance will not let me stay in the hospital, even if I wanted to.

The answer? Six weeks of IV therapy in a nursing home.
That’s correct. A geriatric facility, an Old Age Home, a diaper academy.
It’s as surreal as you think. The care is, an many ways, better than the hospital, and I have freedom to move around in my wheelchair, I can even get online from time to time. But the most insidious element is the well meaning conspiracy to steal what dignity I have left. It’s not malicious, it’s habit. The staff is utterly conditioned to dealing with folks who can’t clean themselves, feed themselves, or in many cases, express themselves. So I come as a bit of a surprise.

An attendant points at the “wee- wee pad” which I have removed from my bed, as I have no intention of urinating theon.

“Do you need that?”

“No, thanks.”


“You sure?”

“Yes. “


“I can put tht back for you.”

“No. No, thank you. It’s fine.”

Or the attendant who hovers around to bathe me in the morning. It’s OK, really- the only thing that does not work is the foot. Really. Now go away.

Soulhuntre suggested I see it as an exercise in accepting service. Were I to do that, in six weeks I would be squeezed out of here a corpulent vegetable, expecting to be fed, groomed, bathed, wiped, and attended in all ways, like Baron Harkonnen wih no power or wealth… just a lump suited for nothing but, perhaps, the Jerry Springer show.

This is so wrong. My advice:

Die young.

  • Seems like wise advice. Meanwhile, if you have an address, send it, and I will send such entertainment as I am able. You must be through even the collected works of Eliot by now.

  • Flagg… this is exactly what is happening to my father right now. Same thing to a t.

    I;m sorry.

  • I almost had to go to a nursing home when I left the hospital back in June. It was one of the options discussed in my discharge planning. But they called it “rehab”. If I hadn’t been able to get my insurance to pay for some special medical equipment, that’s where I would have ended up.

    Hospitals seem to work on that dignity stuff too. I can’t imagine how much worse a nursing home might be.

    At least you still have your sense of humor about you.

    What kind of surgery did you have?

  • I agree with Soulhuntre. The most degrading experiences can always be treated as an exercise. Really they can. As degrading experiences go, this one isn’t so bad.

    I would just keep telling myself it was an exercise. That’s how I usually get through the more horrible things that happen.

  • Do they allow you to have packages? If so, please email me the address. I will send you something to try and keep yourself amused.

    I am sorry you are having to go through this.

    hang in there, and heal quickly and as peacefully as possible.

  • As long as you are healing and getting stronger…..the rest is just window dressing…….

    Sending you healing thoughts….

  • Dude, you SO have to pee on one of the nurses…

    Or, start an uprising of old people…

    If you’re up for visitors, let me know? Does your cell work OK in there?

  • Yanno, I’m gonna start calling you McMurphy and I’ll bring you a copy of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, just to provoke you.

  • Dear lord, this sucks. And yet I had to laugh as I read this entry, you write about it with such humor.

    Where is this place? Is it visit-able? Do you need anything – decent food, mindless magazines, phone calls? Please let me know if I can help in any way.

  • that’s craptastic.

    Have I told you you how much I enjoy reading your writing voice? That’s something you could do with your time, that’ll keep your brain from become mush.

    I could arrange for a loaner Laptop computer to make it to your room if you had an interest/need/desire in that.

  • I believe — and let me know if this is out of line — that the best way to demonstrate to these folks that you are not an invalid is to perform upon them the most elaborate and subtle pranks your uncommonly fertile mind can fashion.

  • Speaking as one of “those people” whom people think you should spray with your secretions or otherwise harrass, I can tell you that the staff is going to really like and appreciate you.

    I’ll bet there are a lot of other residents who are going to welcome your company and sense of humor too.

    I’m sorry you have to be there; I hope the time goes by fast.

  • pads and other things

    first, take the pads. at FEST we spent almost $100 on those suckers, stockpile them and send them out with others. we can collect them later. same with other non-perisibles medical stuff. just think of this as 6 weeks in medical camp where you are garnereing supplies for our use. also befriend old people, some of them have estates. if there is a community tv room, get control of the remote. its a way to get old women and sex. some will stop at nothing to watch judge judy. avoid communal dining in the mornings, drooled oatmeal is never sexy even when its someone elses. avoid the leaners at the dinner meals. its not ok to have sex with alzheimer’s patients. some will stalk you but not remember why and you dont need that again.
    hang in there and let us know if you can use or need anything.

  • Want me to visit you? I can do that if you want.