Everybody Pays

In The Doubtful Guest by flagg20 Comments

The problem with acceptiing help from people, even if you need it…

Is that eventually they decide that you never could have gotten along without them; that their contributions are the ones that mattered.

I have gotten along without you before. I’ll do it again.

Thanks for the help. But if this is the bill for sitting down to dine at your table…

Fuck off. I eat alone from now on.

  • It may be worse when it’s bio-family, though sometimes my friends feel like bio family more than my own does.

    The cost of my mother’s help (post accident) was betraying my father. I wouldn’t pay.

    Now she is having med problems, and though I don’t know if she needs me since she has her husband, I feel cold about the whole thing but am pretending emotions I don’t feel.

    Anyway, blah blah blah. I wish I were local. I wouldn’t charge.

  • There are many who could benefit from the INAAAY lesson – maybe a tattoo or brand of the letters?

    If they fail to see that your inner strength is what it is, they are blinded by their altruistic-colored glasses.

    I wish we were closer – I am cheap…and easy ; )

  • I realize that this is a rant, but it occurs to me in general that being able to set firm emotional boundaries without anger or guilt is a skill that’s really important but really difficult. The alternatives of rage or isolation aren’t very attractive.

    • I beg to differ. Righteous, well-directed & focused rage can be one of the most inspirational, transformative and creative forces on the planet.

      Isolation is often just a matter of circumstance, or a way of regathering energy while plotting out ways to put that righteous rage to its best use.

      • Rage does not build relationships.

        • Sometimes….

          Fhat’s not the goal.

          • Re: Sometimes….

            It’s always about relationships, Flagg, or else you die alone.

          • Re: Sometimes….

            There are far, far worse fates than that.

          • Re: Sometimes….

            Everyone dies alone.

          • Re: Sometimes….

            I suppose that is technically true in the same sense that everyone experiences everything alone.

          • This is wrong

            This is kind of weird…but I’m not sure I can wrap my finger around why. Non sequiteur maybe?? Or…maybe something like this:
            – You’re raging or maybe isolating and it’s not attractive.
            – Sometimes rage is appropriate.
            – Rage doesn’t build relationships.
            – Sometimes my agenda is not about building relationships.
            – Well then you die alone.

            I’m scratching my head here, Z.

            I mean, the logic is strained at best, and not in any way supportive that I can see.

            Having recently gone through some medical stuff that pales in comparison to what Flagg is going through, having had family decide it was a great time to manipulate me, having my own mother try to take advantage of my vulnerability as a way to control me….

            Yeah…rage. And it wasn’t about building relationships and it wasn’t about dying alone. And if you had said this to me, in the midst of that, I think I’d have torn your fucking head off. 🙁

            You know I think the world of you, but I think you’re either out of line or simply lack comprehension or maybe some of both.

          • Re: This is wrong

            Flagg’s initial post and your follow up post are about relationships, right? I don’t know who Flagg is talking about, but you’re talking about your mother. I suggested in a general way (because I have my own mother issues and because I was thinking of the VA Tech shooter) that a healthy relationship means being able to set some boundaries with people without guilt and anger.

            If you can’t do that with the people in you’re life, you’re doomed to a life of being angry all the time or not having significant relationships (not just romantic relationships, but relationships with friends, siblings, coworkers, mothers, servants, etc).

            Having one’s relationships always disrupted by rage is a sign that something is wrong. I don’t think that’s constructive in any way. And I’m not saying this is true of you or Flagg or anyone in particular. I’m musing about relationships (after acknowledging a rant).

          • Re: This is wrong

            Who said that Flagg (or me or anyone else for that matter) _always_ has their relationship disrupted by rage?

            Maybe you’re coming out of somewhere else rather than replying to what was actually in the thread?

          • Re: This is wrong

            P.S. I said the alternatives of rage or isolation are not attractive. I didn’t accuse Flagg of raging.

        • That is true, rage does not…because there is no ‘one’ thing that builds relationships. However, negating a base human emotion such as rage can certainly destroy a relationship or stop it from forming.

          Rage can be a healthy outlet – suppressed rage is a far worse result.

          • I’m not sure I follow you; are you suggesting that rage builds relationships?

            I think rage is a chaotic reaction to being out of control; when you’re in control, rage isn’t necessary.

          • Rage can be a healthy outlet IF it results in some type of positive change/growth within the person. That’s a big if.

          • I’m not sure, Jo. I think rage, like depression is just a symptom. I suppose depression too can motivate change, but overall I would say depression is not a good thing.

          • Good point. I hear what you are saying. I guess I was equating rage with anger.

  • In reading…

    It appears I gave the impression that I was cutting off everyone, isolating myself. Not the case at all… Firstly, I would not be posting. I simply refusing to play specific games with specific people.

    The price, in those cases, is too high.