I don’t think I’ve ever felt quite this way before.
I want to call people up and make my problems theirs to help me shoulder- but they can’t, and I won’t. I want to call my twin, but she has gone into another life, and our time is done. I want to call my boy, my animal, my pixie; I want to wail and moan and make them somehow make it all better, make me clean, make me whole, make me feel like there is something in me.
My brothers break their backs for me, or they ignore me until I’m useful. Either way, they either do too much already, or offer nothing. My oldest friend is silent and distant, I miss him terribly, but I can’t make him come back and be with me.
Do you know how much I miss you?
Where have you gone?
I know it’s payment.I know in my life I’ve had more than most can ever dream, and this is payment due.
I just don’t know how much more I can pay before the bill becomes too large to bear.
I don’t know who else to ask for help, and even if I did, I don’t know how.