Hollow Man

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I don’t think I’ve ever felt quite this way before.

I want to call people up and make my problems theirs to help me shoulder- but they can’t, and I won’t. I want to call my twin, but she has gone into another life, and our time is done. I want to call my boy, my animal, my pixie; I want to wail and moan and make them somehow make it all better, make me clean, make me whole, make me feel like there is something in me.

My brothers break their backs for me, or they ignore me until I’m useful. Either way, they either do too much already, or offer nothing. My oldest friend is silent and distant, I miss him terribly, but I can’t make him come back and be with me.

Do you know how much I miss you?

Where have you gone?

I know it’s payment.I know in my life I’ve had more than most can ever dream, and this is payment due.

I just don’t know how much more I can pay before the bill becomes too large to bear.

Mother, please.

Please.

I don’t know who else to ask for help, and even if I did, I don’t know how.

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    My Dear Friend, my fellow Gemini and all of the other things you are to me…

    Today is Rosh Hashanah. The Jewish New Year. A time to reach out, to evaluate and to move forward. I hope this reaches you in the abyss. I know how deep and how dark that place can be. I know how it feels when you think you’ll never climb out. When you can’t contact anyone because you feel you have nothing to give. When I’ve been in that abyss you’ve encouraged me to try and reach a hand out to you. I ask you to do the same now. Roah Hashanah has calmed me in a way it hasn’t for years. I have a new tradition with Strat and Seren and a way to move past the old and broken traditions I mourned last year.

    I can’t know what it feels like to have lost what you have, but I need you to reach for me. I reatreated to lick my own wounds, but now I need to hear your voice and I think you need to hear mine. I don’t have the answers. I don’t have the fix. What I do have is a place in my heart for you to curl up, complain, bitch and feel safe. It’s not much, but it’s what I have. I will try to call you later… I sincerely hope you answer even if you don’t want to.

    Ever your friend,
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