Like everything else right now, it’s all agonizingly slow.
The most important element is one that has surfaced in a few ways, emerging from different cyphers until even I could no longer ignore it. The depression has rolled back a bit as the pain has eased – still hovering, but no longer defining me.
But that’s the question- a question of definition. If not depression, then what?
It was pointed out to me in a conversation with Ken Soulhuntre, who was once again there when I needed him, that it’s not external definition that has changed; it’s the internal definition that needs updating. An overhaul of Avatar. It’s not masculinity, virility – that was an outside definition, and my physical changes scarcely touch my self definition in terms of how I defined myself to the world. But to myself? Bigger issue.
I’m getting closer to addressing the idea of the voids in my life, of taking people into my service again, on a short term basis. But to do that, I have to be aware of what I have to offer, and what I don’t. I have to learn to walk again, in more than one context.
I have to adjust the internal avatar to match the outer a little better; to embody what I do offer more fully rather than mourning what I don’t, in order to be able to offer anything at all. Which means I have to shake some ghosts.
And I have to remember that all healing takes time.