Fuck

In The Doubtful Guest by flagg11 Comments

I’m tired.

I’m tired of this body and it’s increasing uselesness.

I’m tired of hurting.

I’m tired of being tired, all the time.

I’m tired of what depression and isolation are doing to me to make everything worse, everything harder.

I’m tired of the brave face.

I don’t think I can even keep being Parlimentarian at TES. I like my job. I like being good at it. I like making a difference. And I  think I have to resign.

If I were not within sight of a possibke reprieve, I don’t know where I’d be. Nothing in my life has ever made me so seriously consider giving up.

But I hate to lose.

And I have debts to pay.

So tired of this.

One more step.
One more step.
One more step….

  • I wish there was something I could do. Knowing you has widened my horizons, and changed the way I look at the world. Our involvement, albeit brief, changed *me* in ways I can barely express. I can only hope that one day, the opportunity will present itself and I will be able to give back to you a fraction of what you gave to me. (((HUGS)))

  • I have no words of comfort for you (and for that I am sorry) as i’m not in a position to offer that nor can I give you a “buck up lil camper!” speech, cause, well that’s dumb. I will however share a “Mom joke” that I hope will make you groan knowing that my mom finds it her duty, since she’s learned the mystical ways of the google, to send me a good half dozen of these a day. Why am I sending this to you? Because it was a face, very much like yours, that, in my mind’s eye, spoke the punch line…

    I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. the teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

    When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically said, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

    Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response-knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

    “Got drunk once and fucked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

  • We’ve never met, nor are we likely to and our online interaction has been minimal, although having spanned several years. Nonetheless, I admire you. What you’ve written has given me considerable respect for you, which isn’t something I can say about a lot of people. I am saddened by your pain and wish I had something I could offer to ease your way. I can only let you know that you are in my thoughts and that I care about you.

  • No words can take away your pain, but know you are in my thoughts. I know you are doing all you can to deal with your situation. If i could make it better for you i would.

    you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Sometimes we just have to do the next thing and not think too much.
    It doesn’t have to be the most important thing we have to do just the next thing so that we keep moving forward instead of just stopping. Somehow the momentum helps.

    If you feel like some mindless conversation, you can always give me a call

  • I’m sorry Flagg.
    You were missed this evening.
    All the best to you,
    Mike

  • Hoping your reprieve is soon.
    If there is anything I can do, let me know.
    *hugs*

  • If there’s anything we can do, please don’t hesitate to say so …

  • ditto to what most everyone else said above…

    You have meant far more to me than our brief interaction would suggest – if there was anything I could do to speed this time for you or make it easier, you know that I would.

    Cold comfort it might be…but thoughts, wishes and heartfelt caring are all I can offer from here – but it is willingly given.

    In less seriousness tho your ‘one more step’ thing did make me think of you as the “Winter Warlock”…and that catchy little ditty…

  • Of course you’re tired. I’m amazed that you’ve managed to hang on this long, with everything you’ve been through.

    I missed you last night. I was thinking about how it was one of the high points of last year’s social for me, seeing you there.

    Is there anything I can do to help? Perhaps there’s a way I can assist with the Parliamentarian job so that you can keep it but lose some of the burden for a while? I would hate for TES to lose you in this capacity – you do such an excellent job. We all respect you so much, Flagg. Please know if there’s anything I can do to make this time easier for you. (We have a car. It goes to Brooklyn and everything. My email is suespace74 @ gmail.com. My cell is 646-522-6308.)

  • I’ll also ditto what everyone else has said. Even though we met for such a short time you have helped reshape some of the ways I see and do things. I also have a tremendous amount of respect for you and wish I could do more to help. You are in my thoughts and as little as it may do I am sending well wishes your way.