For Eltriese…

In The Doubtful Guest by flagg5 Comments

For helping make hrhcourtney’s birthday all that it was, and just being way cool company, I give you this:

Iron Chef
…the way it should be. ( )

” I knew what I had to do. I had to train myself for Iron Chef in the ancient manner, to be ready for anything Japan’s lunatic eating habits could throw at me. And in the process, reaffirm why America rules so much ass. In Jean Claude Van Damme’s Kickboxer, “the ancient manner” means to glue broken glass to your hand and totally fucking kill somebody’s head with it. In cooking terms, it means something similar, yet completely different in every way. It means going to a local Japanese grocery store, and simulating the panicked conditions of Iron Chef with the following three rules:

Cooking in the Ancient Manner: The Rules

Rule #1
I have 30 minutes to buy everything, and am not allowed to ask any foreigners familiar with both our cultures or languages for help.

Rule #2
I may only buy a food item or food-like item if it is NOT labelled in English and I have absolutely no idea what it is. This includes items that are clearly described by a picture. For example, if I see a clear bag of thick white fluid decorated with a picture of a happy lobster jerking a camel off into a clear bag, I can’t buy it. However, if the same picture is on a box of crackers, it’s fair game. Either way, you should see this hard-on I’m giving myself.

Rule #3
Once cooking begins, I get one hour to prepare my dishes. Despite not knowing what anything is or how to prepare it, I’m not allowed to taste anything until after I’ve declared it a dish. This is to ensure that the dishes are shrouded in mystery like the levitating ninjas who eat them, but also to prevent me from contaminating the food with my germs, which are unfairly delicious…

Thanks for everything, come back soon.