I spent some time chasing ghosts. I’m done with that, now.

Everybody pays. The check will always come sometime. This is as terrible as it is inevitable.

If you spend all your time looking back, you stay stuck where you are. There is no way to reclaim what’s lost, no way to move forward… and even more terrible, more paralyzing, is the feeling that one can somehow reclaim what has never been. What we deserved.

Our lives come with expectations. We make our choices based on those dreams. Choices become clear as the future lays out ahead of you- well lit and open. There will be curves and potholes along the way; we all know this- but we decide that the risks are worth it, the hurdles not so daunting when compared with tne destination, with dreams of Home.

You’ll get there. It’s on the map, Right here. Look. The map says so. It’s like a promise.

But what you cannot prepare for is not being able to take that road at all.

You can stare at it in the rear view as long as you want. It will never be out of sight as long as you are looking for it. And it’s so hard to look away. “It’s not supposed to be this way. It’s not the way this was supposed to go.”

“This is not like it should be”

My sister knows this.

She also knows how to deal with it.

Sometimes, you have to have a funeral.

It does not matter if you mourn for what was, or for what never was. The secret to funerals is that you can’t stay there… eventually you have to walk away from the grave. And if you are not going to be who you were, what you wanted, what you thought you deserved- what options are left to you?

She told me only that you are allowed to grieve for what you lost, for what you wanted, for what you never had. You can grieve for a dream. The rest suddenly made sense to me. And I was able to stop chasing ghosts. They will always be there if I look for them, never far behind. Sometimes you will want to revisit a grave, and you will always be able to find it.

It’s the one marked “should“.

 

“Dreams make no promises.”
Neil Gaiman

 

“History is an angel, blowing backwards into the future
and the angel wants go go back

and fix things that are broken

but there is a storm blowing

from Paradise..”
Laurie Anderson